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Insecure

People love to call you insecure when you think they have been lying to you. But if you think about it, being SKEPTICAL is not an insecurity issue”

So, i’m in the process of healing a broken heart. and i’ve been doing a lot of reading: Love Without Conditions by Paul Ferrini about clarification and correction to the body of teachings that have been attributed to Jesus Christ. It’s about forgiving others, not blaming others, giving love, letting go of ego and expectations. Also, i’ve open my bible.

I’m learning new ways to look at myself. To remove my expectation that other people are responsible for MY feelings. I had to ask myself, not trusting him is an insecurity (i don’t think i’m good enough) or intuition (questioning HIM character). Now, i’m not the best girl in the world. Not great at a lot of things… but one thing i think i’m really good at is holding myself accountable.

Sometimes i overdue it (anxiety). I do not like pointing fingers at others unless i point fingers at myself as well. So, i’m aware that i’m not the most secure girl, but when i look back at my effort, i truly did everything i could have on my end, given my mental state. At times, i questioned my worth. But i’ve questioned HIS intentions way more. He’s not a bad person, just wanted y’all to know that. But their were questionable decisions being made. And i think that no matter how secure i was, he would have made those same decisions… not because of me… but because those decisions had nothing to do with me.

We can sit here and attack ourselves for wanting to question a partner, they’ll call us “insecure” even though the questioning has nothing to do with how we feel about ourselves and has everything to do with how we feel about them.

Think about it, when someone lies, are they lying because they want to hurt us or because they are afraid of us finding out the truth?

Afraid – Fear – Insecurity

We are questioning THEIR insecurity.

Distraction

Is it a new beginning to a relationship or just another distraction on your journey to become more aware of the toxic people you’ve been giving chances too? Sometimes, yes… it is a great beginning to a new great relationship… but other times, they are a DISTRACTION.

A person that seems “good at first” but turns out to be just like all the people you’ve dated. They walk into your life, nice, attractive, putting effort… just like the ones before… and then BOOM, you’re back to stressing over their lack of effort, inconsistency and disrespect. How does this keep happening? How much we allow these “good at first” people distract of from the healing journey we’re on?

1) We could be doing so well and suddenly start neglecting ourselves just because we love being givers. We start to give our attention to someone else.

2) We give in to our loneliness. We’re all focused on our own live UNTIL it gets really lonely. We start to procrastinate. We get bored with our journey. We get frustrated with the healing pains. We start to look for pleasure and happiness elsewhere because it seems easier.

3) We fall in love while own our journey before learning how to balance the amount of attention we give to others vs the amount of attention that we give to others.

4) We get distracted on our paths to self love because of the sense of urgency and where the world thinks we should be at. We rush and think that self love is not necessary and we seek love from others to fill our void.

“Distractions don’t look like distractions until they finish distracting you”

What are so other reason we get distracted on our paths to self love? comment below.

The One He Wants

Have you ever dated a guy for a few months who kept telling you that he wasn’t ready even though you felt like you were the perfect candidate for a relationship with him?

And after you stopped talking to him, he jumped in a relationship with another woman and gave her the commitment that you felt like you worked so hard for? you might ask yourself, why her and not you? What did she do to convince him to commit that you didn’t do? was he already talking to her?

You might notice that you treated him better than she treats him. You work harder then she works. You probably make more money than her. You may even feel like you look better than her. But he still chose her… and not you. why? here’s SOME reasons:

1. Men settle for less just like women do! They SOMETIMES rather degrade than elevate. Being with a stronger woman requires them to elevate themselves and sometimes, they just don’t feel ready for all of that. It’s their lesson to learn not yours to teach. besides, WE don’t see her as a “downgrade,” YOU think that.

2. There is a different connection with her. sometimes they can’t even pinpoint it. she’s just “the one” they want at that time. Yes, THEY KNOW THEIR WORTH but for some reason didn’t want to build a forever with you. It’s not that you weren’t enough, you just weren’t her.

3. Don’t want to let a strong woman down. It’s embarrassing to have this goddess, successful in most things and you’re kinda jealous of your own woman. They feel emasculated even when it’s not on purpose and they rather let you grow than to slow you down with their insecurities. Then they stumble upon a woman who has the same struggles as them.

They know that commitment requires sacrifice, loyalty and compromise. And we’d do all of that for the woman we WANT to do all of that for. You can be a great woman and STILL not be our choice. It’s not always something you do or don’t do, it’s based on how THEY feel. Therefore, just be YOU. Don’t have to prove shit or compete.

One guy told me “sometimes you just want that girl only, not because she made you wait for sex or played hard to get, not because she’s the most beautiful girl, not because she’s the most compatible girl, not because she out beat other girls by proving her worth.
She doesn’t need the best sense of humour and everything.
You never wanted a perfect girl, you just want That girl.
Sometimes you just want Her and only her. Sometimes you feel ready for Her. You just know and want to commit to Her. It’s a feeling that grows inside of YOU.

29-01

I’ve played with someone’s feelings before. Told them I loved them and I wanted more when really the attention was great and I was bored tbh.I mean at the time I didn’t see that was the case, I just couldn’t see it that way. You know,I really enjoyed being in heir face and really enjoyed the attention they gave me. It’s like for a moment I thought that they could be the one but deep down I knew I the attraction wasn’t there.
They showed me so much care, something I’ve never felt, but I was incapable of showing it back, no matter how hard I tried to make it real it was always just an act. I couldn’t commit,it was really sick smh. I was wrong for stringing them along. It was just nice to have someone who would always be there, be there no matter how much I showed I didn’t care be there when obviously no love was there.

Well,I wouldn’t say no love, grew to love the love they showed me But I was never “in love” and I knew I’d never be . Overtime, the comfort they brought was addicting, when they tried to leave i spoke as if I wanted to fix it,I said I wanted to do better, i care and I wanted them to stay .
But in reality they would never be my number one or my go to.Just someone on the side I could run to, safety net. Even now I struggle to let go of my safety net because in the end if all my love fails I know I could settle for them.

I never understood how one could fall so hard over a person like me and be so willing to give me everything. Me, a person so capable of doing these harsh things . Constantly telling them they can’t have me because I don’t do the whole “relationship” thing. Yet, I’m dating on the side lookin for the “right ” thing.Waiting for the moment when i find my everything and I cut then off like they never meant a thing.

I was cold and I didn’t care but i finally woke up and realized that wasn’t fair. But I think it’s too late, no matter what i do they won’t go away. I speak my mind and they chase me harder.I push and they keep on fighting I made a mistake that I can’t erase.

I hope this doesn’t come back to me someday
I never wanted my life you be this way.

The Devil Within

I remember back in 2016 when I got a very disturbing call from my friend Tatenda. Ooh Tatenda, what can I say about you without sounding extra? Simply put he was dashing and all that. The Knight in a shining armour. Looks? Check. Physique? Check. Money? Check. Back to Tatenda, he needed someone to go drink with. I nearly dropped my phone. You see I have better chances of banging Kehlani than of finding Tatenda in a club. Believe me I really wanna bang Kehlani though. Hope she is reading this. Fingers crossed.

After my chores I headed over to his place. The guy was a mess. His girlfriend of two years had apparently been cheating on him for three months. Wait for it. With her ex who they had broken up because of cheating allegations on his side. Have a seat, right? That’s more interesting like when Tyga found out that his brother in law is dating his ex wife making his own child his nephew also. For more information Keep up with the Kardashians. Funny? I know right. Forget about Tatenda for now. I got him my month’s supply of weed and an album of Taylor Swift. There’s going to be a lot of tears there.

The corny thing about all this is that he loves ‘his’ girl still. One man. A thousand feelings. This got me thinking. One of the hardest things you will ever have to do,my dear, is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive. Modern relationships suck and are devoid of genuine love. They are deeply anchored in materialism and pure lust. These unions are bereft of the true affections that existed in the 60s and 70s. Back then money and perversion were zilch.

As he lay there sobbing, I saw myself too. Saw a lot of YOU there too. Told him he deserved better and all that shit. I always find myself comforting people with the words I want to hear. All we ever need in a relationship is to receive the love we give. . In Tatenda’s case it was just a case of more validation. All of us have been there done that. Most people walk around cynical of love. Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.

You wake up everyday and ask yourself “What we had. Was it real?” You cannot understand how you can go from being so important to you being absolutely nothing. You still cannot understand how you can stand next to someone you have so much history with and not say a thing to them. That’s how it is nowadays. Modern love. Digital things. #21stCenturyTings ( insert painful laugh here)

This is for those that I loved. Those that I love. And those that am yet to love in days and years to come. Say you’ll remember me even if it’s in your wildest dreams. And if we ever break up don’t go for someone more important and richer than me. Don’t hurt me twice, okay? Lol.

Relationships are funny. You get to know every detail about each other just to forget all of it when you break up. Yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it. Before you love someone; love yourself. Go figure that.
Flowers grow back even after they are stepped on.
So will Tatenda. So will I. So will you.

Earworm

I wonder why we always find ourselves recreating the same type of relationships over and over again with different people.

We pride ourselves on healing the parts of us that crave toxic people.
Yet, we end up dating the same type of demons hidden in a different body.
Why??? Well, it’s because we haven’t finished learning the lesson yet!! It will be on repeat until we learn from it.

If you hold on to someone who is trying trying to leave. You may miss the new love that is trying to come your way. You run the risk of showing love that you are not ready for it. That you need another trial run full of lessons and unless you learn from them, you’ll be trapped in the cycle of dating the same type of people until you learn to stay your ass away from them.

Have you ever heard of a phenomenon called ‘ear worm‘? It’s when a song gets stuck in your subconscious on repeat. The arrangement of instruments, lyrics, rhythm, chord structure, and more on repeat in your head.

There are many theories as to why:

1. Maybe that part of the song takes you back to the state of mind you were in when you first heard it.
2. Earworm songs are thoughts we’re trying to suppress. The harder we try not to think about them, the more we can’t help it.

HACK: Think of the end of the song. Your mind tends to think of some things as left unfinished. The same lines will repeat until you finish the song. So thinking of the end of the song will close the loop and allow you to get the song out of your head. Or you can let it be: let it fade away naturally on its own.

Some of us have dating lives that’s on a loop. We keep dating the same type of people because we’re trying to solve the unsolved problem with each failed relationship with another. So we immerse ourselves into the same type of relationship with the same type of people, hoping to stop the loop.

To break the cycle, you have to do the work of figuring out what it was about that type of person that hooked you, and heal that part of yourself. You have to figure out what birthed that part of you. And solve the problem there by healing that. Then you’ll no longer desire to repeat the cycle over and over. You have more healing to do!

Earworms are mostly predictable and repetitive, but just complex and surprising enough to stimulate your pattern-seeking reflex. Relationships work the same way, they are often times predictable and complex and simulate our pattern seeking reflexes.

🐛🐛

Is self love the hardest?

How do we know whether we want to be with someone to overcome our loneliness or if we actually love them? Is it love or are we just filling a void?

Loneliness is a longing for attention, company and comfort from another. It’s feeling incomplete on your own. It’s a deep desire to share your life with others because you feel lost while alone. I believe that one of the easiest things to do nowadays is to fall into anxiety and depression due to not being able to enjoy being single: loneliness.

We live in an extroverted culture that obviously perpetuates the image of happiness through large friend groups and being in relationships. “Loners are losers, weird, sad, depressed. That’s the representation that people give to us for being single for a long time. “Single-Shaming.”

We always choose to be loners, we just lose the desire to “fit in”. Then find out it’s not always fun being alone when people don’t understand you. You can be in a group but if no one gets you, it sucks.

In life, often the people that we love aren’t those that we just can’t live without…. but the ones for whom we can live with even if we didn’t have the rest of the world… if we believe we can live without everyone and everything else…. and just have this one person, then it’s love.

Things i learned from friends who are in and out of relationships and hating their exes:

(1) until we get comfortable with being alone, we’ll never know if we’re choosing someone out of love of loneliness.

(2) The saying that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else is true. How can you show love if you can’t look in the mirror and love most of who you are?

(3) Unhappy with who you are? change it so that when you date people, it will because you want them and not just because you don’t want to be single anymore.

What if you love yourself but still feel lonely? well, maybe you can try to find comfort in being alone and also search for like minded people while you’re single and happy.

Go and love yourself 😄

The Real Me = The Real We

Pretending to trust someone in fear that if you admit your doubts they’ll break up with you makes YOU untrustworthy. YOU aren’t being real about what YOU feel. You are not being honest with yourself.

What other feelings and thoughts have you been hiding within? Who are you really, the truth on the inside or the lies you’re projecting?

Don’t lose yourself by reducing what it means to be your true self just to keep someone around.

You might think that by hiding your concerns and true feelings, you’re making things better. The reality is that you’re only contributing to an ILLUSION of a happy relationship.

Trust Issues

I dated someone for 2 years but i only trusted him UNTIL we made it official. Once we put the title on, expectations suddenly changed.

I expected him to cut off his exes. These girls weren’t trying to be his friend. They work still throw pics at him thrist traps of course. He didn’t handle it like i thought he would. He said “You must trust me. You got trust issues from those little boys you dated in your past.

I was thinking, maybe i do have trust issues. I should be able to trust that my guy has a curve game. I was lying to myself because i KNEW that if i told him i didn’t trust him, it would lead to a break up. He was too lit.

I battled my own insecurities vs my intuition for 2 years! I stayed only because had i convinced myself that i had an issue with trust since i couldn’t confirm anything suspect on his side. “i must be tripping.”

Now what i learned:

1. SOME people change their behavior after they get a title. They think they OWN you.

2. I don’t think we can build relationship trust while single. I think we actually have to get inside of a relationship to build relationship type trust.

3. Intuitive – feeling like something is not adding up on THEIR end.

4. Insecure – feeling like i’m the problem, not them. Like i’m not enough.

5. As soon as I met someone who proved that they can be trusted through their high level of consistency between what they say and what they do, all of the trust issue BULLSHIT flew right out of the window.

6. Trust is situation specific: I could trust him in many situations (which is why I stayed). But I couldn’t trust in many others (ultimately why I left.) I trusted his cooked meals weren’t poisoned. I trusted his driving skills. I brought him around friends and trusted him not to embarrass me. But lawwd knows i didn’t believe shit he said about his exes.

7. I could have told those girls to back off. but those were HIS exes. I was RIGHT not to trust him. But faking it bit me in the ass.

Don’t be like me.

One love 😄💕

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